This is one of my favorite subjects to talk about because something different usually comes in the mind of everyone who reads that word and at the same time it means something different when said aloud. I don’t use the word a lot because, to me personally, it is a great power and a great gift. Today I just don’t want you to read this, I want you to sit with what I write after you’re done and I’ll give you some “homework”. I don’t like that word, what’s a better word? Internal examination material? It’s longer but homework is still haunting *shudder*.
I love a lot of people and a lot of things; separately, not equally but with the same strength… you get me? Love isn’t a competition and it is also not something that can be weighed or measured. It can even grow or dissipate depending on the circumstances. I love my mom, but not in the same way I love my dad. I love my brothers, but not in the same way. My extended family of course, but my grandma hits different. They all are loved, but it is understood for me differently and expressed differently. You probably need an example right? My mom: caring, funny, annoying (I swear to god if y’all even say it sounds familiar!); My dad: strict, hard-working, stubborn. Both I admire in different respects, but the level of interactions were different. They both bring out different aspects of me that show how much I care for them, just not in the same way. My wife… That was and IS a continued evolutionary experience. I ran from her when we first started dating because I didn’t understand it, but we were still friends and I still loved her. It wasn’t until later that I realized that she was showing her love for me in a way that I didn’t fully understand, only to have a lightbulb go off in my head and realize that I was the one not understanding what was going on. She saw me and said “This is what I want” fully and openly, while I didn’t see myself as something TO BE loved in that way. Does that make sense?
While I was undiagnosed with depression I flat out didn’t love myself, I needed to be distracted in order to not constantly hate on something about me that I felt was wrong. So what little relationships I could get into were easily falling apart because I didn’t have the energy to build myself up and then be ever-present in the “relationship”, so “love drunk” essentially is what I enjoyed… or the honeymoon phase. When I was truly “me” (introverted, gamer, Blerd, slight ocd about cleanliness/organization) I didn’t feel comfortable around others for that. It took a while for me to get to where I’m at now (I’m skipping ahead, you’ll get more personal info when you’re ready AHAHAHA), and it was because I learned to hear and appreciate the compliments I received. It started with my dancing… so I kept dancing. Then it started with my clothes, so I started trying to see what expressed “me”. Little by little I was taking the time to actually sit and look at myself, and love the choices I was making for me until finally I got to me now; non-binary. I have always ALWAYS loved freedom and not the textbook kind, the “by any means necessary” kind, the “it’s this or die”, kind. It’s not just expression, it is love for the world and for yourself. It is peace, serenity, and nirvana despite the consequences. That is what I believe I have achieved for myself and it is thanks to the works of so many different expressions of love that I was able to give that to myself.
So… the “internal examination material”, yeah? You should be asking the usual 5 W’s (who, what when, where, why) and how when it comes to love. Do you love someone for how they make you feel, do you love them because they make you adventurous, do you love them because they accept you even when you have no idea what you’re doing? Do you love yourself? If yes, why? It doesn’t have to be grand, you could be like “my whole body is trash, but this pinky toe is on point!”. If you don’t love yourself, why? Who convinced you that you weren’t worthy of it? If you can’t find answers by all means reach out to me and we can talk about anything under the sun, and I’d probably be able to find something before you do. This isn’t a “I’m a nice guy” offer, it’s a “we are a community” offer. Actually, I may have jumped the gun on the questions so I’ll just ask you: What does love look and feel like to you?
Something With Nothing 