Dark Comedy

I spent a few times going back and forth on writing this one because it is very important since it is about how I feel every day, but I know it is very hard for people to deal with that know me or are close to me. Each time I tried to write about it something in the air didn’t feel right because I never had the right words to talk about it. I also want people to understand what I mean when I say “I have depression” and not hear “I need to be more distracted”. At some point around 2011 (I think around the first quarter of the year) I had accepted suicide as an option and since then I’ve been battling that asshole every day. When I wake up in the morning there is indifference, part of me is disappointed that I am still here and part of me is relieved that the people I care about don’t have to deal with my loss. The disappointment almost always goes away after a shower and some music, but there are some days where I’m like “okay, I need to do as little as I can and just wait for it to pass”. There are days where it does pass and there are days that are just excruciating and I just hope it goes away the next day. I can function sometimes after the first day passes, but sometimes it takes weeks to feel my version of normal. That’s what I mean when I talk about having depression. It is not a feeling I would want anyone to deal with and if I notice they are similar to me I try to make sure they don’t feel it to the extent that I do. Some people just shrug off their feelings; denying therapy because they “know” what the issue is, or don’t want to take medication because of fear of reliance and not understanding it’s to regulate your mood. Then there’s the ones who go on and on about “big pharma” which is just a misunderstanding of how doctors actual spend their time really trying to work with you without medication, or try to give you a small dosage to see if you may just be having a moment of depression. A moment being a few weeks or months because of a certain event that you can’t fully overcome alone. Really a lot of people think they know more about things because they “got better”. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard that I need to workout (I do small movements everyday) or I need to just do ‘X’. I do not have whatever it is that allows me to push through and I accept that I need help with it. The thing is those same people will self-medicate and complain as if it’s not glaringly obvious they’re avoiding talking.

What keeps me going? Well, I know with no doubt that I am loved and I am needed. At the same time it’s difficult to handle the pressure of knowing that? Does that make sense? I have no intention of leaving here when I am too excited to see the full bloom of people I know are close to great things. I think that’s partly why I write these things. It’s meant to be a journal about what I think and feel, I was hoping it would be something to improve my writing skills but it has become more of a monument to my love of life. Yes I am depressed, but I think it’s mostly because I love so much this world has to offer and I also can’t stand the lack of humanity we keep being fed. There are so many people who are bitter about not receiving back what they feel they deserve so they exude that same feeling out into the world, creating a cycle of their own sadness. If you like gossip, but hate when you’re the center it’s because you are feeding into something you aren’t. There’s a balance in self-respect when it comes to what you say and what you do. Just because you are removed from something doesn’t mean that dispensing that information isn’t participation. You are exactly what you say you aren’t. Meme-ing has made people numb to that. Those who believe that social media isn’t real life are also presenting a false version of themselves on social media. I offer myself as I am on and off social media, almost as a form of protest and it has attracted people who took a chance on me who have become a daily part of my life. Sharing their thoughts and wanting advice because they also were looking for something real.

I’d say you don’t have to worry about me, but has anyone ever listened to that? I’m fine where I’m at at the moment or I accept where I’m at at the moment because the past was difficult yet I’m still here. I like to imagine there’s a reason and it humbles me; grounds me. I just thought I’d share that yes, it can be extremely hard sometimes and I know it is for others who aren’t willing to share intimate parts of themselves. But you can’t get better in your own head, sometimes you have to speak out and it may be difficult the first time you try, but it becomes so much easier when you accept that your pain is worth speaking about. So yeah, that’s it. I’m worth sunrise to sunset, and you are too.