“Non-binary people feel their gender identity cannot be defined within the margins of gender binary. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond simply identifying as either a man or woman.” LGBT Foundation
I mean really that’s the extent of it, but let’s go over how I got there because as someone who is constantly thinking coming to a “new” personal discovery and accepting it was a bit of a shock for me. I’ll start with what initially triggered the thought: I can’t stand speaking to women and knowing they are apprehensive when I am just being friendly. I completely understand and have no complaints about the apprehension, but I always left conversations feeling as if my intentions were being misunderstood. I didn’t want anything but a friendly conversation and to just be myself, but at the same time I know they saw a “man”, for better or worse. So I asked myself what the issue was and it simply is just that I am a married man, and some women (lol some) have experienced men who are opportunistic. At the same time, I just have never really felt that comfortable with men who weren’t emotionally available. It’s nice to just relax and BS from time to time, but a man with a lack of vulnerability or depth is exhausting. Car, sports, women be shoppin’… it gets pretty dull pretty fast. I’m generalizing the baseline of mundane conversations, but basically what I’m saying is I have always been somewhere in between two minds and never fully feeling as if one was more of me than the other. To be honest, the majority of the stuff I’ve written you can clearly see I’m always trying to understand where the proper middle ground is. When I say “proper” I mean where the best moral understanding is. I’ve always been middle, not neutral, just patient enough to ask a question and expect the answer to come weeks/months/years later.
What does this mean for me? Freedom. I don’t want my identity to be a make-up of beliefs the world around me tells me is “acceptable”. It’s not that difficult for me to do that as a Black person because I’m constantly seen as “other” and adding NB to that is definitely a conversation I don’t need to have with others who aren’t even able to understand the simplest details about themselves. I live specifically to be me and the comfort of having a wife that is not only supportive, but growing beside me has made this discovery a celebration. Our relationship hasn’t changed in any way other than her really ready for me to stunt on everyone lol. This really doesn’t change much of anything about me, the pronouns never mattered either. I’ve been mistaken for my mom since I was a child and til this day everyone likes to mention how we all look so similar like, duh. That doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but it also makes sense? I’ve been me my whole life and people have just been trying to figure me out as if it was necessary. They didn’t want anything from me other than a topic to bring up for their own prying. I have always been confused about why my kindness and caring about others has made them wrongly assume I am gay, and I keep forgetting others are influenced not just by the world but the belief that everything is left or right; yes or no. I don’t want that for myself and don’t need it for my universe. If you’re wondering how I feel after discovering more of myself, I feel free. Closer to a truth that I still don’t understand.
Being non-binary just makes me more Christopher and nothing really extra. I am inspired by everything and find a way to incorporate that into my own life in the hopes that it lets me live peaceably. So hopefully my continued journey of self-discovery helps you in understanding your own journey. It doesn’t have to be the same road, but that doesn’t mean we can’t visit.
Something With Nothing 